Britney Does It Again (But This Time, It's Not Her Fault.)

I realize it’s a Saturday and I rarely blog on Saturdays, but something insane has happened that I need to share with you. BEHOLD:

How have we NOT discussed this yet? I am literally speechless. COSMO. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!

BRITNEY. WHERE IS YOUR NECK? This needs to win the award for WORLD’S WORST PHOTOSHOPPING JOB OF ALL TIME. It literally looks as though Britney’s head was put on someone else’s body, and the entire thing was done by a fourth-grader with a shaky hand. I feel bad for whoever did this hackjob, because he or she is FOR SURE out of a job and should not be expecting Cosmo to give them a reference.

Yall, I LOVE me some Britney. It doesn’t matter what that girl does - shave her head, smack paparazzi with an umbrella, get committed to a mental institution - I am still a MAJOR fan. But this is insane. If I were here, I might take up solace in some K-Fed right now. That’s how bad this is.

Can we go back to some happier times? Like her concert, for example?

as i took this picture at her april 2009 concert, i was seriously weeping

while simultaneously screaming "SHE LIVES! SHE LIVES!"

Ahhhh. Much better.

I hope you’re all laying by a pool somewhere enjoying your weekend, drinking alcohol, and reading trashy mags. But if you’re doing that, PLEASE BOYCOTT COSMO THIS MONTH. They’re on timeout for a while.

DAY OF FUN! DAY OF FUN!

In the interest of sharing what all I’ve been up to lately besides buying stock in nail polish, I thought I’d write about where I’ve been :)

I like Days of Fun. And yesterday was a major D.O.F.!

As I mentioned in an earlier post this week, Anna’s sister Susan is in town visiting from NY. Susan has spent most of her vacation going to work with Anna (AKA laying out at the JCC pool), but yesterday, Anna had a late meeting and was not going to be able to take her sister with her. She asked me if I would mind hanging out with Sus all day. Would I mind? Def not. Sus is super special and sassy (say that 5 times fast). I knew we would have fun. Just look at this face!

I picked her up yesterday and after a quick manicure, we headed off to the valley. In my opinion, the valley is superb at several food-groups, namely sushi and Israeli food. Sus vetoed both, so I asked her what she was in the mood for. “American food,” she said. In my mind, American food = hot dogs. SCORE. You all know of my love for tubular meats.

I drove us deep, deep into the val, to Fab’s Hot Dogs. This is one of my favorite hot dog places in LA, and I rarely come here. The hot dogs are FANTASTIC, it’s insanely cheap, and best of all, they have fresh tater tots. Amazing.

After lunch, we headed over to my parents house for the afternoon to lay out by the pool. Here is where things got a little nuts. Most of my friends have known me forever, and thus, they have known my family forever. They don’t blink or bat an eye when they’re at my house because INEVITABLY, someone is doing something extremely weird. Let’s face it, the Silvermans are eccentric. Yesterday was no exception, except poor Sus is not used to it.

First, as soon as we walked in the door, my mother yanked us outside and insisted we admire her new project -- for the past few days, she’s been busy SPRAY PAINTING OUR PATIO FURNITURE BLACK. After we were forced to admire her work, we changed into bathing suits and hopped in the pool. Cue Marcela’s appearance. Marcela is our housekeeper, except she’s more like my second mother. She’s been with us for 21 years and basically runs my life, Bailey’s life, and everyone else’s life. She is insanely sassy and hilarious and basically nuts.

Anyways, we were relaxing by the pool when Marcela walked out and started watering the plants AND THE DOG. She then started discussing her belief that I needed to have children - RIGHT AWAY. No waiting for a husband. She also mentioned that she preferred it if I had twins or triplets, and as soon as I had them she was planning on taking them to Mexico for the first two or three years of their lives, to “feed them Mexican fruits and vegetables.” Okay. That’s a lot of crazy.

The afternoon at the Silvermans concluded with some whining on my mom’s part - she was waiting for her friend to pick her up so they could spend the night at the Indian Casino - did someone say GAMBLING ADDICTION? I could tell that Susan was overwhelmed by the Silverman oddities, so we beat a hasty retreat and headed back to the city. After a quick stop at the Fed so I could attend a Birthright recap meeting, we met up with my friends Baker and Sammy for dinner at Orris -- more on that later, I want to do a full recap! It was fantastic, we drank a bottle of wine, the waiter gave us free cocktails, and then Anna arrived to collect Sus. All in all, a SUPER D.O.F.

Today was actually a DOF too, now that I think about it. Today I made my triumphant return to Camp Mahanayim at Stephen S. Wise, where I spent four summers as a senior counselor. One of my dear friends, Abby, is now the director of Camp Mahanayim (which, for you observant Hebrew speakers out there, means Camp Camps in the mother-tongue), and she invited me there for lunch and Shabbat!

It was super fun - crazy to be back there and see campers who I had as kindergarteners who are now in 5th and 6th grade. I am fucking old. Abby and I sat in the camp office eating Subway until her counselors found out I was there and attacked me/dragged me out to play with them. Most of her counselors are coincidentally kids who I’ve taken on the March of the Living, so it was great to see them as well. I thought I was being so sweet and considerate by bringing all the counselors Diddy Reese cookies (side note, 3 dozen cookies at Diddy Reese costs $12. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? Amazing), but meanwhile, I showed up and SOMEONE ELSE HAD ALREADY BROUGHT DIDDY REESE COOKIES. Anyways, a sushi reunion has been planned with the young ones and I am very excited.

I am actually exhausted -- I have a bit of a cold and I am going OUTTTTTT on the town tonight, so that’s all for today. Must go lay in bed, drink Starbucks, and watch reality TV. Have a fab weekend everyone! XOXO

Pretty Polished

Have you ever read the Shopaholic series? Sophie Kinsella’s series follows a girl, Becky Bloomwood, who CAN’T STOP SHOPPING. There is a part in the first book that I love - Becky is in a mall helping the guy she likes look for luggage, which doesn’t fall under the category of things she usually shops for, so she feels a little out of her element.

“I’m quite thrown. Quite shocked by myself. Luggage. Why on earth have I never considered luggage before?” she says. “How can I just have blithely led my life ignoring an entire retail sector?”

That quote sums up exactly how I feel about nail polish these days :) How is it possible that I have NEVER shopped for nail polish before? 99% of the time, I get my nails done the exact same way - a French manicure on my fingers and some form of hot pink on my toes. I have friends who swear by certain colors and wait anxiously for OPI and Essie to release their new lines every year. This is not me at all.

But lately, I am obsessed. And as we all know, my obsessions usually have to do with things that are pink!

Here’s a few that I’ve picked up lately:

OPI Aphrodite's Pink Nightie

Lola by ZOYA

Essie's Jewel

And here are some that I have my eye on -- might need to go get these ASAP!

Essie's Anniversary Gala

OPI Shorts Story

And finally, I know that this one isn’t pink, but I am SERIOUSLY IN LOVE with Essie’s new color, Turquoise & Caicos -- my toes are currently painted with it, and I can’t stop staring at them and admiring how cute and summery they look!

Happy Wednesday! XOXO

Late Night Shopping = Surprisingly A Good Idea!

I am not going to lie to you. After spending all afternoon working/staring at my computer screen for four hours straight, I was bored. I needed to get out of the house. And thus, I went shopping at 9:00pm.

Where to? Well, I was in the mood for color and prints and crazy designs, and I didn’t want to spend a ton of money. So, Forever 21, of course!

I’ve been REALLY good about not shopping so much lately, I swear. When I was in San Francisco, all I bought was a necklace, some bangle bracelets for my mom, and two pairs of Gap jeans (what? they were having a sale!)

But these, I couldn’t resist :)

tunic top with braided belt

relaxed burnout knit top - i am going to wear this with jeans and boots and a huge colorful scarf

floral tiered top - i love the print. this will look really cute under a black blazer!

I just spent 20 minutes looking online for the link to the other shirt I bought - it’s my favorite one of the bunch and I wanted to show it off, but of course it’s not online. It’s a light lavender tank with ruffles and an exposed zipper in the back and I am dying over it. I need to wear it ASAP because I know the second my sister sees it, she’s gonna try and steal it.

I didn’t go alone - I made Anna and her sister Susan come with me - and it’s probably a good thing, because she talked me out of these boots, which I still sort of want. I put them on in the store and clonked around in them while Anna stared at me in horror.

pewter pyramid stud boot

Maybe it wasn't the most economical thing to do, but it was fun! I like late night shopping... who am I kidding, I like shopping ANYTIME!

The Floffs (and GB) Do San Fran!

Good morning! Happy Monday to all of you. Did you have nice weekends? I did - I spent the weekend in San Francisco visiting my dear friend Floff!

On Friday afternoon, Greene and I flew up to Northern California to see our pal. Even though she only lives a 45-minute flight away, we hadn’t seen her in a few months and we were super excited!

Warning: I’m about to start posting pictures. If you notice that I’m looking a little.... um... browner than normal in these photos, don’t fret - it’s simply because I got an airbrush tan before we left and the lady went a little trigger-happy with the spray-gun. It’s much more subtle in person :) and I personally enjoyed being the tannest person around for miles!

We spent Friday shmoozing, shopping (we bought matching friendship bracelets and promptly put them on - yes we are grownups), and hanging with Floff’s fam -- her mom made us a gourmet Italian feast and we ate outside by the pool with her parents, younger sis Jac, and two beloved dogs. So fab!

Saturday morning, we headed down to San Francisco! Being a Texan and having only lived in California for 2 years, GB had never been to San Fran, so we needed to do some touristy stuff for her. We headed to the Ferry Building to walk around the farmer’s market there and ate lunch at a little seafood restaurant on the water.

I also insisted on going back to the indoor food stalls, where exactly a year ago, I came with my family and ate THE BEST oyster of my life. I seriously talked about that oyster for months afterwards. Here’s last year’s pic:

This time, I ran back to the oyster stall and bought two, but was a little nervous. Could it top last year’s oyster? Answer: FUCK YES. It was seriously one of the best things I’ve ever put in my mouth. Could I look any happier?

We were then joined by Floff’s friend Tina, and the four of us continued on to Fisherman’s Wharf and Ghiradelli Square. It was SO windy outside (I am not showing you any of my pictures, I look like Cousin It) so we sought refuge inside. Floff knew just the place -- she headed directly for Crown & Crumpet for afternoon tea.

HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS. Close your eyes for a second and picture if Jordan Silverman and the color pink and this blog were all wrapped up in a STORE. That’s what this place looked like. Crowns everywhere and signs proclaiming Long Live the Queen and hot pink chairs and candy everywhere and sparkly chandeliers. OMG, I was DYING.

We drank tea and ate some scones and I spent way too long in the gift shop buying things probably intended for five-year olds, and it was AMAZING. If you go to San Fran, you MUST go there!

After that, we checked in to a hotel in the city for the night, and got ready for an evening out on the town! After an amazing dinner at Ristobar (I highly recommend the shrimp risotto), we took a cab to Polk Street, this fun area with tons of bars and clubs. We first headed to a little dive bar and I ordered a sweet tea vodka lemonade (you know I’m a sucker for sweet tea, and vodka is my drink of choice - how could I not?), but before I could really start drinking it, Floff wanted to leave. “Hurry up and finish your drink!” she said. I really didn’t want to get a brain-freeze, so I improvised. I stuck my drink (in its cute plastic cup) in my pants and headed out the door. Brilliant, right? Except that the next place we headed had a line, so I had to wait in the San Francisco cold weather with a glass of vodka in my pants for 20 minutes. Just a regular occurrence, no big deal.

this is my best "i have vodka in my pants" face.

We finally got in to the bar and danced the night away. Floff met a handsome Spaniard man who followed her around the whole night, and I was alternately fascinated/frightened by this insane-looking woman in cargo pants, who spent the night dancing crazily BY HERSELF next to the fireplace. We couldn’t tell if she was on E, or just a shitty dancer. At one point, the bartender said to us, “You’re beautiful, but you have a lot of drama.” Yup, sounds about right. I showed off my best dance moves to Britney and Gaga and we drank and danced til they announced last call. AMAZING!

Sunday we woke up bright and early (okay, 10:30 but we were hungover, so sue me) and headed off to this fantastic brunch place, Ella’s, for yet another meal :) Floff had taken me to Ella’s last time I visited her, years ago -- I ordered my very first eggs benedict there and fell in love, so I insisted on going back. And guess who showed up to meet us!?

Yes, my darling Chech made a special appearance! I was so happy all I could do was clap my hands and scream. I miss her weird little face and red hairs SOOO MUCH and I was so happy to see her, squeeze her, and of course, let her eat off my plate :)

After brunch we met up with Floff’s older sister, Nicole, and she took us to Union Street, this cute little street with tons of restaurants and stores, and we walked around all afternoon. Regarding the shopping department: I was SO good - I only bought a necklace and a little leopard pouch. GO ME. It was a lovely day, not too cold and not too windy, and I got to walk her cute little dog :) Floff took us to the airport a few hours later and I was sad to say goodbye, but I wasn’t TOO sad - she’s coming to LA next month!

All in all, a very fun weekend. I really love San Francisco. I feel like the city is so full of different types of people and places -- in some areas, I feel just like I’m in New York walking through the middle of Manhattan. Other streets remind me of LA, with good cafes and boutiques and furniture stores. We drove through neighborhoods that reminded me of Madison, Wisconsin and even my beloved Tucson! It’s such a unique city and I can’t wait to go back.

Floff, I miss you already! I can’t wait to come visit again soon!

Nothing in my life is ever normal. Why should a night out at a comedy show be any different?

The great thing about new friends is that they introduce you to new things. I’ve been living in LA for 24 - almost 25! - years and I’ve never been to a Upright Citizens Brigade comedy show. Until last night, that is.

Apparently, every Wednesday night, UCB does an improv show called Facebook, where the performers randomly choose audience members and bring them up onstage to get their Facebook pages examined on a huge screen so everyone in the theater can see. Then, the comedians perform improv sketches and comedy scenes based on the person’s pictures, comments, status updates, and profile. AMAZING.

A few friends and I were planning on grabbing a casual dinner last night until our friend Samantha suggested we do this instead. As someone who LOVES thefacebook.com with a passion generally reserved for sushi and carbohydrates, I was immediately down. So, to Hollywood off we went. And it was so fun!

Highlights of the evening:

1. The extremely large bottle of wine we consumed before the show. Mmmm.

2. Realizing my friends might be even more Jewy/yenta-ish than I am. Approximately three minutes after we finished dinner and got in line for the show, Katie announced that she wanted to eat dessert. Alexandra then said she wanted something sweet, too. Samantha pointed out the little market down the street, and the three of them ran off for treats while I held down the fort in line. Five minutes later, they returned. I had imagined them coming back with something small to share, maybe some gummy bears or a pack of M&Ms. OH NO. The three of them returned LADEN with candy -- chocolate bars, Sour Patch Kids, watermelon chews and a pack of gum for yours truly. “You three are like Jewish grandmothers,” I told them as they stuffed the candy in their purses in order to smuggle it in to the theater. “WE LIKE TO BE PREPARED!” was Alexandra’s answer. Spoken like a true J.

3. Grabbing the first four seats we saw so that we could sit together. Said four seats ended up being ON THE STAGE, which immediately sent me into a panic. I like to make fun of myself. I am not always down when others, namely professional comedians in front of a live audience, have the opportunity.

4. Never mind that last sentence, as I ended up making myself the laughingstock of the theater, all by myself without any help from anyone. About ten minutes into the show, I realized that the bottle of wine from was affecting my bladder in a truly horrifying way. I tried to hold it in as best as I could but realized I was not going to make it the entire show. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PERFORMANCE I HAD TO GET UP AND WALK ACROSS THE STAGE, WHILE THEY WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF A SKETCH, IN ORDER TO REACH THE BATHROOM AND PEE MY BRAINS OUT. Needless to say, people laughed. At me.

before the show. yes, we are beautiful, but more importantly, please see what alex and katie are holding -- CANDY.

This being my first time, I was reluctant to raise my hand to be chosen. Besides, when they call on you, you have to sort of pitch yourself, and I was not at all prepared for that. How do you sum up all my bullshit into one tiny little sentence? I need to work on my pitch.

Possible pitch ideas for next time:

“I have 3,500 photos of me tagged on Facebook and more than 150 albums. Either I have a sick attachment to my digi-cam, or I am a recovering sorority girl.”

“Surprisingly, my Religious Views tab does not say Jew. It says Vodka Cranberries from Dirtbags. Judaism is a huge part of my life, but apparently, alcohol is more important.”

“I like to use my Facebook to get attention for my blog. Oh, what’s my blog about? Well, it’s mostly daily posts about fucking glitter and sparkles and what I ate that day and my misguided belief that I am, in fact, the queen of this large metropolitan city.”

I feel like the last one is where it’s at, but again, more thought is required. If you have suggestions, leave them in the comments :) and if you’d like to come next time I head out to a UCB show, I’m ready when you are!

I’m In Love. (With This Scarf.)

I think by now we’ve established that I fucking love the color pink. And we’ve also covered a few other things I’m in love with. In case you’ve forgotten, I’ll give you a short list. Leopard print. Things that sparkle. Black and white toile. Polka dots. Glitter in any form.

So it’s only natural that anytime any of those things that I love are combined, I go a little nuts. Take this scarf, for example.

Polka dots + hot pink + beads + fringe = INSANITY. I am seriously going apeshit over this scarf. I can barely type I want it so bad.

Yes, I like to shop, and yes, I like fancy things. But I am also very reasonable about what I buy. I don’t spend crazy amounts of money on silly things. When I buy something that costs a lot of money, it’s only after careful consideration, a lot of internet research, and usually a combination of a long wait, a special occasion, and a big sale.

Yet every now and then, something ridiculous comes along that costs approximately eight zillion dollars and even though I know it is way too expensive and completely unnecessary, I fall madly in love.

I LOVE THIS SCARF. I LOVE IT DEEPLY.

I am really thirsty, but I refuse to allow myself to get off my bed to go into the kitchen to pour a glass of water, because my purse is in the kitchen and I know I will come back with my credit card in hand and in a frenzy I will go temporarily insane and buy the scarf before I can stop myself.

MUST. STAY. STRONG. MUST. NOT. BUY. SCARF.

Guac It Out

My sister and I have different strengths. For example, I am your girl if you need your apartment decorated in various shades of pink or if you need to be taught how to use Twitter. Some of Bailey’s strengths include painting her nails perfectly and waking up with gorgeous hair. She is also good at watching TV and critiquing people’s outfits. (Okay, we both share that strength.)

Another thing I am good at? Making guacamole. SO GOOD, in fact, that I am the winner of The Silverman Sister Guac-Off!!!

Yes, that really happened. Last summer, my mom arrived home from the market with a bag full of avocados. “I’ll make guacamole!” Bailey said. I looked at her like she was insane. “In this family, the only person who makes the guacamole is ME,” I told her. “Mine is the best.” “No, MINE is the best,” she said. We started to squabble. Just as she lunged across the kitchen counter with a spoon in her hand and fire in her eyes, my father stepped in.

“Stop being idiots,” he said. “Mommy bought enough for an army. Why don’t you both make your version, and I’ll choose the winner?”

AMAZING IDEA FATHER. “Jord, you are going DOWN,” Bailey said. I ignored her and ran to the pantry for supplies. We worked furiously on either sides of the island for several minutes before presenting our parents (by now my mother had discovered the Guac-Off and wanted in on the decision) with our separate bowls and a (slightly stale) bag of tortilla chips for maximum tasting pleasure.

They sat there and tasted. And tasted again. And opened their mouths like they were going to deliver the decision, and then went back for another sample. After a great deal of whispering and some scribbled notes on one of Daddy’s legal pads, they finally looked up and declared the winner.

IT WAS ME! I danced around the room, cheering. Bailey threw a pillow at the dog and stomped off to her room.

I was not surprised. My guacamole is fantastic. In fact, it is one of the only things I know how to make. Anytime I am invited to a dinner party or BBQ, I immediately offer to bring the guacamole. How did mine get so good? Well, in case you did not know, I am severely allergic to cilantro (I will probably die if I eat it), so I can’t eat most guacamoles, as they are typically prepared with salsa, which almost always has cilantro in it. So over the years, I had to make my own if I wanted some -- and thus, my signature dish was born.

And now I am generously sharing it with all of you :) here’s my recipe!

Silverman Sister Guac-Off Award Winning Guacamole:

5 avocados

1 shallot (if that’s your thing. My father hates them so I usually leave it out but I love it! Just make sure it's not an onion.)

1 big tomato OR approximately 20 cherry tomatoes sliced in small pieces

Juice of 1 and 1/2 limes

Garlic powder

Fresh cracked pepper

Seasoning salt (NOT regular salt! This is the special ingredient!)

Combine first four ingredients, then use the last three to your specifications. Don’t go overboard with the garlic powder though - you can always add more! Other helpful tips: when you make it, leave TWO avocado pits in the bowl, not just one. This will help it stay fresher longer and delay it turning brown. Do not stir everything together into mush - the best guac is chunky not smooth. And finally, serve it in a pretty bowl. Everything looks better in a fancy setting.

Simple, right? BUT DELICIOUS AND AWARD WINNING.

Bailey is probably reading this and thinking a few things: 1. I was robbed! and 2. Ew, that picture is not cute. I disagree on both accounts and to her I say, 1. Tabasco and spicy peppers do not belong in guacamole, and 2. You look fantastic. I’m the one making the squidgy face.

Before I go, I want to make a special shout-out to Bailey’s boss, Miss Jane of Helmut Lang fame. Happy Birthday Jane! Even though we do not officially know each other, I am almost positive we will be best friends when we meet. And to her husband, Matt, who is one of the three non-gay males who reads this blog, I enjoy you greatly as well. Let’s have a meal when I come to NY.

That’s all for today :) Hope you liked the recipe -- if you make it please let me know how you liked it!