Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The Queen Is Injured

The Queen is injured :(

I don’t even know what I did. I worked out with my trainer on Wednesday and felt fine afterwards - a little sore in both arms, but nothing out of control. By Friday night, my right arm felt totally fine, but my left shoulder was hurting like none other - I have shooting pains, stiffness, throbbing, the works. By the time I woke up Saturday morning, I was in terrible pain and it hasn’t let up - I’ve been icing and Advil-ing and heat pad-ing for almost three days, and it’s not better AT ALL. I’ve got a doctor’s appointment on Wednesday but until then, I don’t know what else to do :(

In the meantime, I guess I’ll tell ya’ll about my most famous injury... at least I can laugh at myself, right?

I was in 8th grade, and it happened during history class. I sat on the far left of the room - Mrs. Kalb had already separated me from my friends due to “excessive chatting.” Sounds about right. From time to time I would wave to my pals across the room and of course, Mrs. Kalb would catch me and shake her head, even though she was trying not to laugh. I definitely was noisy, but she still liked me.

Let me set the stage here. We sat in these types of chairs - the ones with the little desks attached. I had my right leg crossed over my left leg, and was busily working in my notebook when I turned around to the girl who sat behind me - Jackie - to ask if I could borrow her ruler. And that is when it happened:

My right knee POPPED. Everyone heard it. Everyone looked up. My face turned bright purple, but shockingly, I didn’t cry. Mrs. Kalb ran over. “What happened? What happened?” I could barely talk, but I guess the look in my eyes made it clear - she immediately sent Jackie to call the nurse and gave everyone in the room a new assignment to shut them up.

I have no idea how I even made it through the next few minutes without fainting on the floor, but I do recall my good friend S. could not stop laughing at me. Mrs. Kalb was not in the mood for any of that nonsense - she kicked S. out IMMEDIATELY! (That remains the only time S. got kicked out of any class her entire educational career. I was proud for my involvement.)

Eventually, the nurse arrived. Nurse Kalb (oh, did I mention my history teacher was MARRIED to our male nurse?) took one look at my knee, now a delightful shade of violet, hauled me out of the chair, and fucking CARRIED me like a small newborn child to the principal’s office. MORTIFYING BEYOND BELIEF.

Mother was called, she dropped everything (sushi, a bowling ball, a sale item at Macy's) to come get me, and off to the doctor we went. Where I was diagnosed with a dislocated kneecap and a severely bruised femur and promptly placed in a knee-immobilizer brace. FOR THREE MONTHS. I only wish I had a photo of 8th grade me, with my sweet bangs and braces and fondness for tie-dyed shirts, wearing my enormous blue leg brace, to add to what I’m sure is a lovely mental picture in your mind. (Shockingly, this did not hinder my various make-out sessions behind the lockers IN THE LEAST. I was a fucking guy magnet with that brace on.)

Anywho, that, my friends, is how yours truly got injured - while SITTING IN A CHAIR. I am nothing if not truly talented. Just wait til I tell you about my other injuries... all occurring in truly special-ed ways, I assure you.

Telling this story was sort of fun, because for a few minutes, I forgot about the pain in my shoulder. But now I’m no longer distracted, so I’m off to reheat my heating pad, take some more pain pills, and whine on the phone to my parents :(

Send your best healing thoughts my way, and in the meantime, don’t forget to enter my giveaway! Only a few hours left!


Diana M. said...

Oh no! Hope the pain goes away soon! No fun!

Oh - and thanks for the laugh! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(I tore my ACL while I was standing still - albeit on skis and then a friend kinda crashed into me and then, well...POP!)

Diana M. said...

Oh yeah - and I can't wait to hear from you later after I've won your fabulous giveaway! :-)

Anonymous said...

oh the memories.

nicolette said...

OMG mrs. kalb!!!

In 8th grade mrs. kalb lectured me about my sarcasm. She repeated to me over and over again that "sarcasm will get you nowhere." Little did she know 10 years later I'd have my own column in a NY magazine that is entirely based on the precision of my sarcasm... Oh, middle school. How I do not miss you.

This tangent all to say - I'm sorry you got injured! I hope you're feeling better by now!