Thursday, January 13, 2011

My Face Is Red

A blogger I love recently did a great post about a fun little game going around the interwebs, where she posted the “7 Things: The Stupid School Years Version” and confessed to her seven most embarrassing moments from growing up.

Since the posts where I get the most comments from the peanut gallery (AKA my mother and her friends) are the ones where I freely admit to embarrassing, retarded, and slightly insane things about myself, it’s a no brainer that I’m clearly playing along. Here we go:

1. In first grade, we were lighting the menorah during Hanukkah in class and it FELL ON ME, causing 2nd degree burns. I truly thought my Hebrew teacher was going to pass out – she basically threw me underwater in the sink as I wailed in front of the whole class. That in and of itself is plenty embarrassing, but the incident left me with a lifelong fear of fire (I used to claim “pyrophobia” under “other illnesses” at the doctor’s office while filling out forms – I have such a flair for the dramatic). You try telling your new college friends why you won’t even pick up a book of matches to light a candle, and having to confess that it was because of a rogue menorah accident.

2. Speaking of college, I can count the number of Arizona football games I attended on one hand. Pretty unusual for a girl with a ton of school spirit, right? That’s because freshman year, at my first game ever, I was standing at the very top of the student section bleachers with a vodka slurpee in one hand when I drunkenly tottered off the first step and proceeded to ROLL DOWN THE ENTIRE ROW OF BLEACHERS. IN FRONT OF LITERALLY THE ENTIRE SCHOOL. And you wonder why I don’t like football season. Obviously I never attended a game again, until my senior year when my friends forced me to come with them. I went. Sober.

3. I am guilty of hamster murder. At my friend Tali’s birthday party in 4th grade, everyone was playing with and passing around her pet hamster. When it was my turn to hold it, the fucker bit me on the finger, and I flicked it across the room – HARD. It hit the fridge and the rest is history. Surprisingly, Tali and I are still friends. I’m glad she doesn’t hold it against me.

4. I used to have a major problem with laughing so hard I wet my pants. Probably the most notable time occurred in the Scottsdale Nordstroms, sitting on a bench outside the coffee bar – an old lady walked by pushing a tiny dog in a stroller that was LEGIT WEARING SUNGLASSES. I totally lost it. And proceeded to contaminate the bench. My friends were dying laughing… but like grownups, THEY managed to hold it in.

5. I’m sure I’ve blogged about this before, but when I got to college, I was a MESS. I was probably the most homesick person in the entire history of people going off to college. About a week after my parents abandoned me in Tucson, Benjamin took me out to lunch and to go grocery shopping. I held it together through sandwiches at Beyond Bread, but the second we hit the Albertson’s parking lot I started tearing up… which ended in me lying FACEDOWN on the floor of the Albertson’s dog food aisle crying hysterically to my mom on the phone as Benjamin lurked around the corners staring at me in pity/horror. Not my finest moment.

6. After a particularly inebriated evening at the bars in college, my friends and I hit up DHOP – the late night fundraiser held by the TriDelta sorority, where people pay a $5 cover to come in and eat pancakes, waffles, bacon and eggs from 2-4am when the bars close and people want some late night eats. I was my normal charming self, chatting up the sorority girls, complimenting them on their maple syrup, and snarfing pancakes until Anna forced me to leave and drove me home. I woke up the next morning in a bright and chipper mood – until I looked in my purse. There, I found 2 pancakes that I had apparently “saved” for the next day, and EVERY SINGLE KNIFE that TriDelt owned. To this day I have no recollection of stealing those knives. I do, however, have a recollection of the look on the poor TriDelt’s face who answered the door when I sheepishly rang the doorbell and handed her a plastic bag full of their silverware.

7. One of my most recent embarrassing moments happened just a few weeks ago – Greene and I were on our way home from a friend’s holiday party this past December. She lives right near us, so we walked over to her place, and on the way home it was cold and we were walking fast and I was obviously singing Lady Gaga songs to entertain us. A few cars passed, and the people in them were slowing down and smiling at us, so I continued the antics – until I walked a few steps in front of Greene and she screamed “YOUR SKIRT IS UP AND EVERYONE CAN SEE YOUR UNDERWEAR!” Please note that this took place smack in the middle of our neighborhood where I can often be found strolling the streets, shopping, and walking, so it wasn’t exactly like I am incognito around those parts. Not anymore, at least.

Looking back at these memories, I’m a little perturbed to realize that many of them occurred within the past five years or so – not while I was growing up in elementary or middle school. Should I be alarmed by this?

I hope you all still like me even though I’ve admitted to these embarrassing moments. Feel free to revisit this page often over the next few days, since the Queen is taking an extended vacation starting tonight – my best friends are ALL (yes, ALL!) coming into town for Anna’s baby shower and I will be spending the next four days with them, laughing, eating, snuggling, shopping, dancing, drinking, singing, and celebrating :)

Enjoy your long weekends!


Sharon said...

Thanks for the chuckles - I can only imagine Hope to see you soon.

Katie said...

i mean, i knew you were funny...but this was amazing!!! thanks for putting a huge smile on my face! xox

The Average Girl said...

So funny... the Nordstrom one cracked me up, well and the bleachers, and...
Well, mostly because I'm the clumsiest girl on earth! Haha, however I think I have a mental block of the countless ridiculously embarassing moments of my life. For better, or worse. :)
Love the blog!