Thursday, March 24, 2011

Boo, Sick


I’m sure you’re all imagining what a pleasant delight I am to be around when I’m feeling under the weather. However, while I’m sick is one of those rare times when you will NOT get a Jordan Silverman Tantrum. On the contrary, actually. When I’m sick I revert into a small, pitiful child. I lay on the couch listlessly staring off into space. I speak in a quiet, whispery little voice. Most tellingly? I refuse all foods. My mother always says that she knows I’m really sick when I have no interest in eating.

Currently I am suffering from a sore throat and a bit of a stomach bug, the feeling of which I have likened to “being punched in the fucking stomach.” Very pleasant. As I lay here on my couch feeling sorry for myself and texting my own personal nurse for advice (Gerrick alternates between being extremely helpful and yelling at me for not drinking enough water to which I say IF YOU WERE HERE YOU COULD BRING ME SOME BUT YOURE NOT SO THANKS FOR NOTHING), here are the only things making me happy at this current moment in time:

Snuggle socks - odds are if I am in my apartment a pair of these are on my feet. As is often the case when I find something I like, I have literally purchased one million pairs of snuggle socks and now own them in every single color and pattern. Currently I am wearing lime green.

My new Splendid sweats - hands down these are the most comfortable sweatpants on earth. I would seriously consider giving up my beloved college sweats (with AEPHI embroidered in hot pink on the ass) if I could wear these for the rest of my life. They are fucking amazing.

Wonton soup and white rice - from Chin Chin across the street. I tried to order matzah ball soup from Jerry’s Famous Deli and was told I needed a $25 delivery minimum. Despite my pitiful whining to the man over the phone, he would not budge and thus I was forced to turn to Chinese food to cure my ails.

My television - god bless TV, DVR, and whoever invented them, because they are my BEST FRIENDS. I can lay here and watch all my recorded shows I was too sick for last night until I have seen them all... and then Oprah will get me through this.

Tums - I am not normally a Tum taker but I have discovered the small ones that are sold in a little roll (like Rollos) and I now have an affinity for the berry flavored ones. The instructions say only to take four at a time. I have ignored this. (Also, while on the subject of medicine I just want to mention that Pepto Bismol is THE DEVIL and makes my stomach feel all crazy AND TURNS MY TONGUE BLACK. I woke up yesterday with a black tongue and went to brush my teeth and almost started crying until my roommate calmed me down.)

In conclusion, I am accepting the following from you, my beloved readers: comments about how pretty I am, comments about how I should feel better, comments about how you love me, text messages that make me laugh, text messages asking if you can bring me soup, text messages asking if you can bring me anything in the world including but not limited to cupcakes and obscure DVDs. Contrary to normal times I do not want you to call as I do not want to have to pretend like I’m excited to talk to you (like I usually do), and also my voice is hoarse like a phone sex operator.

This is my blog and I am sick and you have to do what I say today. It’s like my birthday, only with zero cake.

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