“I AM NOT GOING NEAR THE SKUNK! WHAT IF IT SPRAYS ME? I HAVE SPARKLE HAIR EXTENSIONS!”

Oh hello! It’s good to be back. I would ask if you missed me, but I know you did, due to several of you EXCESSIVELY harassing me regarding the whereabouts of new posts. One inquiry is flattering. Two is amusing. Three texts, two emails, a tweet, and a phone call? You need a hobby. (SBG, I’m talking to you.)

So where was I? Scampering around LA with Jacob, that’s where. We had a fantastic weekend and now that he’s gone, I am exhausted. It is a lot of hard work making sure your friend has a fab weekend!

Jacob arrived on Thursday night. About fourteen seconds passed before we were standing in the In & Out line and he was ordering a Double Double. As we sat down to eat I informed him to expect many photos being taken all weekend in order to properly document the fun. After all, I have all of you to think of, and what fun is a post without pictures?

On Friday, we did a little furniture perusing. Jake’s family owns a chain of furniture stores in Memphis, and he wanted to scope out the competition. Things I learned from him dragging me to HD Buttercup, Room & Board, Design Within Reach, etc?

1. I hate walnut furniture. He loves it.
2. I like chandeliers, modern lines, fuzzy pillows, and black furniture. He hates all of those things.
3. We cannot co-decorate. Ever.

In one store, Jacob discovered the World’s Most Comfortable Bed. As a 6’4 German gay named Boris explained the wonders of this bed (starting at $6,000) to an enthralled Jacob, I laid down on it and took a little nap. When I woke up, I bet Jacob the cost of a bed that he would not, as he claims, move to Los Angeles by July of 2011. I am in BIG TROUBLE if he follows through.

On Friday night, special guest RF and I took Jake to The Bazaar. I will surely devote a future blogpost to The Bazaar, but for those of you who aren’t familiar with it, it is a restaurant inside the SLS Hotel that specializes in molecular gastronomy tapas. Basically, weird-as-fuck, freakishly amazing delicious food. Honestly, I was unsure about whether or not Jake would like it (in my experience, southern boys like to eat MEAT, and large quantities of it), so I told him if he didn’t enjoy it, we could always go back to In & Out after the meal.

I worried for nothing. HE LOVED IT. Three and a half hours, about a zillion plates a food, and way too many magic mojitos later, we were drunk, full, and really happy. He said it was some of the best food he had ever eaten in his life and I almost peed of happiness.

We woke up early on Saturday to watch the World Cup game with USA/England. Jacob screamed at my TV, paced, and ate bagels on my couch while I played on my computer. After meeting Anna and E for lunch and making a quick stop at Sweet Rose Creamery, we headed off to Melrose for some vintage shopping, where Jacob continued his tradition of buying a new pair of sunglasses whilst in LA. This time, he did not spend $350, but rather, a more economical $13 -- and I got a pair too! Don’t we look so glam?!

And then we headed off to the Dodger game! (Please note Jacob’s new Dodgers shirt in the photo above. He is a super fan.) It was my first one of the season and you know what that means - DODGER DOGS. The stupid Angels beat the Dodgers but we had fun anyways... until we reached the parking lot when IT happened.

The moment we walked up to my car, a small fat skunk ran through the parking lot and took refuge underneath my car. As soon as we approached, it raised its tail like it was about to spray, and we ran like hell away from the car as fast as we could. Cue me screaming, setting off the car alarm, Rachel laughing hysterically, and Jacob throwing rocks. I asked a few cops to help, and their response was to shine a flashlight at the little skunk and laugh. LA’s finest, ladies and gentlemen.

After about 20 minutes of this bullshittery, a miracle happened. A random guy saw our predicament and asked me if I wanted him to move my car for me. This brave soul sprinted towards my car, threw open the trunk, and drove my car 10 yards away from the skunk. I need to say publicly: DEAR HERO FROM VENTURA, CALIFORNIA, THANK YOU FOR YOUR BRAVERY.

Upon safely getting into the car, Jacob flashed his iPhone at me and informed me he had videotaped the ENTIRE THING. So please look forward to that video in a future post. (The title of this blog is a direct quote from me shrieking.)

Afterward the SKUNK INCIDENT, we needed to blow off some steam, so we went Cosmic Bowling! On our way there, I bragged about being the “child of a bowler” (ElSilv has been a member of a weekly bowling league for 20 years now), but then God saw fit to punish me with the high score of 22 POINTS. NOT KIDDING. Jacob, on the other hand, is apparently a pro bowler. Look at him and his perfect form.

Sunday morning it was my cousin’s graduation party, so we trekked off to Calabasas to celebrate with homemade beer, mimosas, and A TACO TRUCK! I had been wanting to introduce Jacob to the wonders of the LA food truck scene, so this was perfect. He really liked the tacos and we MAYYYYYYY have come up with a superb future business idea of our own. No details are available at this time, but in the meantime you can enjoy this cute picture of us and the Komodo Dragon truck guy Phil :)

Afterwards, I dragged him to the premiere of the March of the Living documentary. In 2008, during my first MOTL experience, a documentary film crew followed us throughout Poland and Israel making a movie of our journey, and now, two years later, the film was finally finished. Naturally, I made an enormous deal out of my “major motion picture debut” and he was a very good sport to come along. As a reward, I got him a celebrity sighting -- Maria Bello (of the cinematic masterpiece Coyote Ugly) sat in front of us, which pleased him to no end. (FYI - I am in the movie and you can hear me talk! If you see it, I am the one in huge sunglasses and green pants. Don’t ask.) Afterwards, we met my crazy parents for dinner at Hummus Bar, where my father was in a most delightful mood, due to his proximity to testosterone.

I took Jake to the airport this morning - I was sad to say goodbye but he says he is coming back here in August for my birthday party for more fun and food trucks, which makes me a very happy girl :)

I am currently typing this on my parent’s couch while my mom sits next to me watching The Bachelorette and crying hysterically. I need to go handle this immediately so until tomorrow, YALL HAVE A GOOD NIGHT!

I brushed up on my southern accent all weekend :) Can you tell?