Party Animals, Listen Up!

First of all, HELLO AND GOOD DAY.

Second of all, I WANT TO KISS YOU ALL ON THE LIPS. Why, you ask? Because in LESS THAN 24 HOURS, the fan page I created yesterday has ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY SEVEN FOLLOWERS. 127. 127.127!

That is amazing and I feel very popular, loved, and special, which are three of my favorite emotions ever. Now that the internet has thrown me a parade, we can actually talk about the real stuff that I was intending on talking about.

Today I found myself at an impromptu cocktail party. The party itself was not impromptu; rather, my attendance at it was. I was at the business establishment where I consult/freelance and they were holding an open house party to celebrate their new offices. I was invited to stay and gladly accepted, due in no small part to my desire to consume kosher appetizers.

I tried to be on my best behavior. Really I did. But inevitably I found myself in the corner with a few friends (shoutout to Jessi and Remy!), eating snackies and drinking DCs, and the subject of appropriate party behavior came up.

As a former sorority member and someone who attends a lot of weddings (fuck my fucking married friends, UGH I DO NOT WANT TO DIE ALONE), God knows I have a lot to say on that topic so without further ado:

LET’S PARTY: A LIST OF PARTY TIPS BY JORDAN SILVERMAN

1. Learn the Photographer’s Name: So in case you were unaware, I was in a sorority in college and I was basically obsessed with it. I lived for our date dash parties -- pre-drinking, drinking on a bus, drinking at the party, followed by drinking at the bar, ALL IN COSTUME. Um yes please. Anyways, I could show you approximately 912 photos of me from EACH date dash I attended if you were interested. Why is this? Because I made it a point to learn our photographer’s name.

If the party you are at has hired a professional photographer, as soon as you arrive you need to go introduce yourself to him and learn his name. This is for several reasons: first of all, you can shriek his name at the top of your lungs when you are surrounded by your friends/a group of attractive people, and he will immediately come and take your photo. Second, if, in said photo, you look like you have been hit by the ugly stick, you can then whine his name repeatedly until he agrees to delete the photo and do a re-do. Third, it’s always nice to make a new friend. Especially one who knows shit about flattering camera angles and soft lighting.

2. Get to Know the Cater-Waiters: This is a no brainer. If the party you are attending has hired caterers, undoubtedly there will be cater-waiters wandering around with trays of food. If you like to eat (if not, leave this blog immediately), it would be wise to get to know these kind folks, for if you are hungry, you will live or die by their attention. Ask them their names. Compliment them. And then mention how much you like the particular food they are handing out :)

For example, at today’s party, I took one bite of a mushroom puff pastry and immediately wanted to eat 17 of them. What did I do? I asked the cater waiter her name (Ellika, Russian) and told her she had nice hair. BAM. Ellika was never more than 3 feet away from me at all times from then on, AND made a beeline for me and my little group as soon as she popped out of the kitchen with a fresh tray. Nicely done.

3. Keep Your Biz Clean: Sometimes, I am a hot mess. Emotionally and literally. It is not wise to be a hot mess whilst at a cocktail party, since I am pretty sure the #1 goal of cocktail parties is to look sexy and shmooze it up. If you are someone who cannot be trusted to not spill powdered sugar down the front of your new black blouse (ME), then DO NOT eat the fucking powdered sugar treats. Other examples: if a piece of sushi is too big to fit in your mouth in one bite, do NOT cram it in and hope no one will notice. If you cannot handle a glass of wine and a tiny plate with treats, PICK ONE. Do not juggle. You are not in the circus.

4. A Word About Pregnant Ladies: Unless you are 100000000% sure the woman is pregnant, DO NOT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT A BABY. This is common sense and if you violate this rule, I truly do not want to be your friend. In other pregnancy party tips, do not touch a pregnant woman’s stomach unless you a) know her, and b) ask for permission. Also related: please ask permission before you bend down and begin singing Britney Spears to the baby in the womb. Some women do not want their newborns coming out crying to the tune of “Hit Me Baby One More Time.” I personally want my children to come out already familiar with the works of Miss Spears, so this would not be a problem for me, but what can I say? Other people are weird.

5. Do Not Vom: I feel like this is pretty self explanatory. Yes, parties mean free food and free booze, but this is not an excuse to gorge yourself and/or park yourself in front of the bartender. To my friends whose favorite words are “open bar,” I say, do what you must, but do not vom. And if you are going to vom, for the love of god, do not rally and come back out for another round. That is only appropriate in bars.

6. A Short List of What Not to Do: Do not talk shit about anyone, especially if they are in attendance, because inevitably they or their friends will be next to you and hear you. Do not fight with anyone. If you are going to fight with someone, go outside and do not do it in your friend’s living room. Do not go to the bathroom without checking to make sure your dress is not tucked into your underwear before you leave the stall. Do not hook up with a groomsman. Do not hook up with a groomsman especially if you are going to be attending brunch early the next morning and you will be forced to sit next to him while awkwardly eating quiche and telling the bride’s mother how much fun you had. PLEASE NOTE: UM... NOT LIKE THESE ARE FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE OR ANYTHING...

And now, a short photo gallery of how NOT to behave at parties. I am going to get murdered for these:

So there you have it. Party tips, by the class act pictured in the photo above. Please note, I am planning on throwing The Bash of the (Quarter) Century in my honor for my 25th birthday this summer, and I expect all of you to read and memorize these beforehand. There will probably be a quiz.

If you have other party tips, put them in the comments so I can read them and laugh. Party on! XOXO.